Walter Fordyce of Uniontown, Pennsylvania found himself in a jail cell yesterday, charged with attacking and
killing his live-in girlfriend with a microwave oven.
Not wanting to get caught behind the curve
as they did with machetes, Massachusetts lawmakers moved quickly to introduce legislation that would address this growing hazard before the chaos and mayhem of unregulated kitchen appliance ownership reached their own borders:
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AN ACT RELATIVE TO THE POSSESSION OF A MICROWAVE
SECTION 1.
Subsection (b) of section 10 of chapter 269 of the General Laws, is hereby amended by adding the following paragraph:- For purposes of this section, “microwave” means “an oven of at least 500 watts in power with automatic settings for both popcorn and pizza.” This subsection shall not apply to carrying a microwave on one’s person or in a vehicle if the microwave is carried for the purpose of heating up
Hot Pockets. In a prosecution of a violation of this subsection, there shall be a permissible inference that such carrying of a microwave is not for the purposes of preparing lunch. Such presumption may be rebutted. Any individual who requires a microwave for the purposes of reheating leftover meatloaf shall register the microwave with the local police department on an annual basis and, upon payment of an appropriate annual registration fee, shall be issued a permit authorizing him to possess the microwave solely for that purpose or possibly cutting short the time needed to bake a potato.
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Recognizing the growing outcry against microwaves and the negative impact impending legislation could have on those of its members who are just really pressed for time, the NRA has instituted the “
Eddie Eagle MicrowaveSafe Program” which teaches children the four steps they should take if they discover a microwave oven:
STOP!Don't set the Timer.Leave the Kitchen.Tell an Adult.
Some cities have gone so far as to
file lawsuits against Amana and KitchenAid for the public health consequences of microwave violence. Naturally, this has prompted a backlash with one group passing out bumper stickers that read, “Ted Kennedy’s Car Killed More People Than My Microwave,” (which is at least technically true for everyone whose name is not Walter Fordyce).
How concerned should you be with this crackdown on microwave ownership? We leave you with this
timeless World War II-era poem:
When they came for the fondue sets, I did not speak out; after all, I did not use a fondue set.When they confiscated the pasta makers,I did not speak out; after all, I did not use a pasta maker.When they took the
aebelskiver pans,I did not speak out; after all, I did not use an aebelskiver pan.Then they came for the George Foreman Grills, and there was no longer anyone left who could make me a perfect grilled cheese sandwich every time.
